Toddler Tantrums: Giving Choices to Reduce Power Struggles

What I am about to say is not new or revolutionary, but it can be powerful when it comes to reducing toddler tantrums. While this works with toddlers, it is actually pretty effective with people of all ages. You may have heard about this before, but maybe you aren’t sure how to get started or why it works. I am going to talk about how giving limited choices to your child can reduce meltdowns and power struggles.

First, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH TODDLERS? Everyone talks about the Terrible Twos, or their Threenager, or the Four-nado that is their child. It can be a tough time, but why can it be so hard? Developmentally, toddlers are going through A LOT. They have realized that they are separate people that are capable of making decisions and impacting their environment, but they don’t have the emotion regulation or the impulse control to think things through. Toddlers are still very dependent on their parents, both in terms of keeping them safe and in staying regulated. They are eager to explore their world with curiosity, testing boundaries and figuring out how things work. At the same time, parents have watched their little potato turn into a little person who does not always want to go with the program or follow their parents’ lead, and adjusting to this change can be hard for parents too.

So now that we have a better understanding of why toddlers are struggling with power and control so much, we can start to talk about giving choices. When I say giving choices, I mean offering two acceptable options to your child as often as possible, giving them power and control over their environment and world within the rules and limits needed to keep them safe and the family functioning. Acceptable options means choices that you as the parent are okay with them choosing and will still align with the “family rules.” What this means is that you only offer choices that are really available, align with your family’s values, and accomplish the goal. For example, if you are trying to get your child dressed for school and your family requires that children wear day clothes to school, you don’t offer the option to wear pajamas to school. You could offer choices around what to wear (this shirt or that dress), when to get dressed (before breakfast or after), where (in the bathroom or in their bedroom), or how it happens (shirt first or pants). It’s easy to see how these choices can quickly add up and allow your child to feel like they have more power and control. This also makes it more likely that they will cooperate when there is no choice available.

The most common question I get when I work with parents to offer their child more choices is “What do I do when they just say no or refuse to make a choice?” This happens sometimes, especially when your child is already used to engaging in power struggles or is just having a tough day. The first thing a parent needs to do in this moment is regulate themself, take a deep breath, count to 10, look at their child’s little hands and remember that they are little. Your child is not being defiant, they are having a hard time, and they need your help. Now that you are regulated, you calmly set a limit and repeat the choice. For example, your child said no to get dressed before breakfast or after, so you say, “We have to get dressed. Do you want to get dressed before breakfast or after? Either you choose or I choose.” If they still refuse, you choose. And then you calmly help them comply. It may not be pretty and they might fight you, but you calmly follow through, helping them to learn that you follow through.

There is a lot of nuance to this and so many different scenarios that can play out depending on your child’s temperament, challenges, and your relationship. It is also super common for parents to struggle with staying regulated, which can look like yelling, giving up, or frequently physically forcing a child to comply. If you are trying to make changes for your family, please reach out and I can help you troubleshoot how to get to where you want to be!